Lucas Whitman

You’ve invested considerable time, and perhaps money, into honing your communication skills, mastering the art of crucial conversations. Whether you’ve just completed a leadership seminar where you and your team learned frameworks for active listening and speaking unarguably, or you’ve been through relationship counseling to deepen your empathy and learn to listen without an agenda, life has a way of testing you. Suddenly, you find yourself in a situation with someone who lacks these skills entirely.

What do you do in this situation? It’s easy to feel pulled back into old, familiar cycles of being triggered, as if all your learning has evaporated. Communication is, after all, a two-player game. If the other person isn’t engaging by the same rules, it can feel as though there are no rules at all.

This is one of the most common frustrations I hear from those I coach. These skills work beautifully in relationships where both parties share a common understanding of effective communication. But the moment you step into interactions with clients, third parties, or even family members who haven’t had the same exposure, these skills can feel like they disappear. Returning home for the holidays, outside the “bubble” of your primary relationships, can leave you feeling exhausted and ineffective in your communication.

So, where do we start, and what can we do? The answer, as always, lies within. We must remember the fundamental truth: the only person we ultimately have control over is ourselves. We can no more change others than we can change the weather, but we can control our reaction to the rain.

In these situations, our responsibility is to double down on our intention to communicate consciously. We must commit to staying calm and present, navigating the communication like a sailor on a choppy sea. This demands that we fully embody our teachings and pursue a higher level of mastery. Consider all your interactions with those who share your communication skills as training exercises for the real world, where interactions are messy and rules are often undefined.

Let’s re-examine our toolset in the context of an “unenlightened” interaction.

Conscious Listening

The most critical tool in any communication is listening. It’s not just about hearing the words spoken, but understanding the underlying “why” behind them. We need to decipher the intention and purpose of their words, setting aside our own agenda to truly listen. Often, these conversations are charged with emotion; the other person could communicate in a way that triggers feelings of blame, shame, or anger. The key is to resist the urge to react and instead focus on understanding what the person is trying to express, regardless of how effectively they communicate it.

We also need to set aside any specific outcome we are hoping for in that moment. If we’re listening only to respond or steer the conversation toward a particular result, we’re not truly listening.

After fully listening, another valuable tool is reflecting the other person’s message back to them and asking clarifying questions:

• “I hear you are feeling . Did I get that right?”
• “You told me that . I’m curious about this point, can you tell me more?”
• “I’m hearing that . Am I missing anything?”

The intention here is to listen in a way that fosters connection. Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is saying, or you’re eager to respond, it’s essential to approach communication with the primary goal of effectively transmitting both content and context between yourself and the other person. And that requires connection.

When the other person feels truly heard, a door opens for genuine communication. This is the foundation upon which trust can be built, and only when that trust is established can our outbound communication be truly effective.

Establishing the intent to communicate

Before rushing into a response and risking the hard-earned foundation you’ve established, it’s essential to bring intentionality into the next phase. My approach is to first ask if the other person is in a place to receive the communication. You can ask:

• “I’d like to respond to . Is now a good time?”
• “Is it okay if I share my thoughts on ?”

Even without a formal “communication protocol” in place, these questions allow the other person to set an intention to listen and show that you value their readiness to receive your message. If they agree, you can proceed. If not, it’s often wise to return to a phase of curiosity and inquiry. Ask why they’re not ready or suggest another time that would be better. Sometimes, the person can be triggered and in a non-receptive state. In such cases, it’s usually best to take a break and revisit the conversation once they’ve had time to regulate their emotions. 

Once both parties agree to continue, it’s crucial to proceed slowly and intentionally, keeping a few core principles in mind.

Speaking effectively

First, remember that the other person is likely not familiar with concepts like conscious listening or understanding the intent behind your words. They can become reactive, and it’s important to be okay with that and meet them where they are. If tensions rise, focus on de-escalation. Progress won’t be made if you push too hard or become triggered yourself. Recenter the conversation on your intention to establish connection. Even something as simple as saying, “Can we slow down for a moment? I’m not sure I’m communicating effectively,” where you take ownership of your part in the conversation, can be helpful.

Second, ALWAYS SPEAK UNARGUABLY. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of speaking unarguably, I highly recommend exploring it further—it’s a valuable tool to have. In essence, it means framing your communication in terms of your own physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts. No one can argue with how you’re feeling or what thoughts you’re having, and this approach often reduces the likelihood of triggering the other party. The core of this comes because we are intentionally shifting from blame, to ownership. “You make me so angry” becomes “I feel angry when you”, “You’re always late” can become “I have the thought that you don’t care when I see you’re not here yet”. There are a myriad of ways that we can reframe the exact same content in a way that takes responsibility for our own side of the situation.

An opportunity for mastery

Mastering communication skills is a journey, not a destination. The real test of these skills comes when we step outside of controlled environments and into the messy, unpredictable reality of interacting with others who don’t share our level of awareness or understanding. It’s in these moments that our growth truly happens. By listening deeply, remaining intentional, and speaking unarguably, we not only maintain our own integrity but also create opportunities for genuine connection, even in the most challenging interactions.

Remember, the goal isn’t to control the conversation or to ensure that others respond perfectly. Instead, it’s about taking responsibility for our own communication, meeting others where they are, and fostering trust and understanding. With practice, these tools can transform even the most difficult conversations into meaningful exchanges, allowing us to navigate the complexities of human interaction with grace and resilience.

So, as you continue to refine your communication skills, embrace the challenges as opportunities for deeper learning and growth. The more you practice these principles, the more natural they will become, empowering you to communicate effectively, even in the most unenlightened of interactions.